I suddenly felt a rush of desire for the money strike through my body. Sure it was selfish but I couldn't help but think of Alice. First, I'd pay off her fucking debts and then I'd marry her, fuck I might even have children. I know that I love Alice, I can't stop thinking of her, and it saddens me to know that in my current financial state, I'm useless to her. Is my way of thinking superficial? Maybe, but I'd really like to leave this lifestyle. I'm tired of killing, I'm tired of worrying for my life, and especially tired of looking into Alice's sad eyes, every fucking day. I can't take it anymore. The world I live in is a shithole filled with grief. I'm betting my father felt the same way too. I'll tell ya why.
You see, my father was a welder; we were making enough to get by. Well with the damn enhancements in technology, they made machines that replaced welders. The only jobs that were still fucking available were for the people that repaired those machines when they fucking broke. Well back to my story, well they let my father go because they didn't need him anymore, 14 years of fucking service and they just can his ass, unbelievable! Well my father didn't take it too well, here's where I get a little emotional, he took his life, sliced his wrist with a knife, whilst he was drunk. Drunken sunava bitch!
I was the one who found him, lying in a pool of blood with his wrist severed. That moment will be engraved into my mind, forever. I do blame the world but I also blame him. You see, to survive, my ma had to become a hooker. She'd often cry at night, grieving my father and over her newfound job. What could I do? I was a weak little boy, maybe I still am at heart, I can't even afford to get Alice out of her despicable lifestyle. I don't want to be weak, I don't want to be helpless, I need that money, or my life may go down the shitter. Kyle is like a brother to me, we survived very harsh times together, he always looked out for me, and it pains me to even know that I think about ending his life. There's Kyle's sister too, could I live with myself, knowing that I fucked up her chances of getting her much needed operation? Is sacrificing Kyle for a hopeful future right?
What should I do? Tell me, please, you're my conscience! |